Writing a blog during summer break with four kids at home has proven to be a challenge. We have been keeping busy, everyday with activities and best of all Brooklynn has started pre-school three days a week. Ashley is doing junior golf league and practicing with grandpa Keith and I enjoy being her caddy. We stay busy gardening, going swimming at the pool, hiking, going to the lakes and waterfalls around.
The days are hectic and sometimes I feel like I am just juggling a bunch of “beenes” and I am the referee. But I would not change these days for anything because it is in the quiet of the night or early mornings that I am reminded of my blessings. However these are also the hours I am also haunted by my fears, faults, and the loss of my mom. I look over the pictures from the day and want to share them with my mom, or even worse now that our lives are now in Utah I think of how she could have been there if she had not died. I relive the emotions of being angry that she is gone all over again. The awful thing about this is I know it’s not needed. I understand eternal families and I believe that my mother is in a better place. In the days prior to her death and afterwards I had many moments and experiences that testifies of the love and forgiveness our Heavenly Father has for each and everyone of his children. Tonight I read an article on LDS Living.com titled What people who have visited the spirit world wish you knew. It talked about how those who have visited feel nothing but an overwhelming sense of love. This gives me great peace in knowing that my mom and other loved ones who have passed are embraced and surrounded in an eminent sense of love and light.
Even with this knowledge I am still troubled by natural man, selfishness, grief. Queen Elizabeth III has been quoted “Grief is the price we pay for love” and that is so true. I love my mom and so wish that she was here everyday. But she took her life and that makes me sad still. I am grateful and blessed to know that Heavenly Father loves each of us, knows us, and even on that dark night when my mother felt over come by her darkest weakness. When she gave up the fight and allowed the addictions and mental illness to win, HE picked her up in his arms and healed her from all sickness and for the first time she felt peace and love. I know I will be reunited with my mother, I feel her around me everyday. It doesn’t make it any easier. I follow a couple of blogs and read a quote that said “if you are going to comit suicide, please remember one thing: Suicide doesn’t take away the pain; it gives it to someone’s else”. It was Aug 2017, when I read that and saved it. I remember thinking, No I don’t want that, I don’t want anyone else to have her pain and am I feeling a glimpse of what this pain was like. Since then everyday I have worked on making a better me, fighting the addictions that run in my family, and the mental illness. I have cleaned out closets, taken trips of not needed things to the DI, I have lost 100 pounds and gained a new wardrobe. I enjoy being more active and not over consuming food and making excuses for my behavior. I love My Heavenly Father and I do my best to be Christlike everyday. So that I can heal the pain, weakness, addictions, and illness my mom may have left behind so that my future generations can learn and have the knowledge to be pro-active, prepared and treat it properly.
Just last Saturday as we drove away from the annual company Kids fair for my husbands company I really had an “ah-ha” moment. It was another situation where I wished my mom was alive because she would have been there, heck she would have been in charge of the thing. But times are different and it’s been three years since she has died. I saw a few familiar faces and gave a few hugs. On the drive home it was quiet. Everyone was tried from a long busy day of non stop playing on junkies, riding rides, walking a 5k and eating tons of food. So I sat and pondered the day and gazed out the window and instead of sad tears I felt different. Almost as if my mom was talking to me about being ungrateful, she was giving me a hard time. Like how you tell your child to “say thank you” when they receive a gift. All I could think about was how she was right. I mean since she has died and we moved to Utah nothing but good things have been happening to our family. We have been blessed by so many things. But here I sit feeling sorry for myself, sad, lonely because... my mom died (psh!) I swear I almost felt like I was kinda hallucinating, but I have little moments like this so my mind is like a movie I guess I have a great imagination that never shuts off. And that is why I have insomnia.
Missing my mom is a daily struggle. One I am not sure I am ready to let go of. I have learned a lot about myself and the only thing I can tell you for certain is... I am just being ME and I still am not sure who that is ;)
#momof4 #teenagersandtoddlers #happywife #utahwifelife #eaglemountainutahlife #daniellelynnbeene #yourbeautiful #beyou #earlymorningslatenights #inthiskitchenwedance #celebratethesmallstuff #happyhome #makingmemories #weworktogether #missingmymom #itsoktocry
The days are hectic and sometimes I feel like I am just juggling a bunch of “beenes” and I am the referee. But I would not change these days for anything because it is in the quiet of the night or early mornings that I am reminded of my blessings. However these are also the hours I am also haunted by my fears, faults, and the loss of my mom. I look over the pictures from the day and want to share them with my mom, or even worse now that our lives are now in Utah I think of how she could have been there if she had not died. I relive the emotions of being angry that she is gone all over again. The awful thing about this is I know it’s not needed. I understand eternal families and I believe that my mother is in a better place. In the days prior to her death and afterwards I had many moments and experiences that testifies of the love and forgiveness our Heavenly Father has for each and everyone of his children. Tonight I read an article on LDS Living.com titled What people who have visited the spirit world wish you knew. It talked about how those who have visited feel nothing but an overwhelming sense of love. This gives me great peace in knowing that my mom and other loved ones who have passed are embraced and surrounded in an eminent sense of love and light.
Even with this knowledge I am still troubled by natural man, selfishness, grief. Queen Elizabeth III has been quoted “Grief is the price we pay for love” and that is so true. I love my mom and so wish that she was here everyday. But she took her life and that makes me sad still. I am grateful and blessed to know that Heavenly Father loves each of us, knows us, and even on that dark night when my mother felt over come by her darkest weakness. When she gave up the fight and allowed the addictions and mental illness to win, HE picked her up in his arms and healed her from all sickness and for the first time she felt peace and love. I know I will be reunited with my mother, I feel her around me everyday. It doesn’t make it any easier. I follow a couple of blogs and read a quote that said “if you are going to comit suicide, please remember one thing: Suicide doesn’t take away the pain; it gives it to someone’s else”. It was Aug 2017, when I read that and saved it. I remember thinking, No I don’t want that, I don’t want anyone else to have her pain and am I feeling a glimpse of what this pain was like. Since then everyday I have worked on making a better me, fighting the addictions that run in my family, and the mental illness. I have cleaned out closets, taken trips of not needed things to the DI, I have lost 100 pounds and gained a new wardrobe. I enjoy being more active and not over consuming food and making excuses for my behavior. I love My Heavenly Father and I do my best to be Christlike everyday. So that I can heal the pain, weakness, addictions, and illness my mom may have left behind so that my future generations can learn and have the knowledge to be pro-active, prepared and treat it properly.
Just last Saturday as we drove away from the annual company Kids fair for my husbands company I really had an “ah-ha” moment. It was another situation where I wished my mom was alive because she would have been there, heck she would have been in charge of the thing. But times are different and it’s been three years since she has died. I saw a few familiar faces and gave a few hugs. On the drive home it was quiet. Everyone was tried from a long busy day of non stop playing on junkies, riding rides, walking a 5k and eating tons of food. So I sat and pondered the day and gazed out the window and instead of sad tears I felt different. Almost as if my mom was talking to me about being ungrateful, she was giving me a hard time. Like how you tell your child to “say thank you” when they receive a gift. All I could think about was how she was right. I mean since she has died and we moved to Utah nothing but good things have been happening to our family. We have been blessed by so many things. But here I sit feeling sorry for myself, sad, lonely because... my mom died (psh!) I swear I almost felt like I was kinda hallucinating, but I have little moments like this so my mind is like a movie I guess I have a great imagination that never shuts off. And that is why I have insomnia.
Missing my mom is a daily struggle. One I am not sure I am ready to let go of. I have learned a lot about myself and the only thing I can tell you for certain is... I am just being ME and I still am not sure who that is ;)
#momof4 #teenagersandtoddlers #happywife #utahwifelife #eaglemountainutahlife #daniellelynnbeene #yourbeautiful #beyou #earlymorningslatenights #inthiskitchenwedance #celebratethesmallstuff #happyhome #makingmemories #weworktogether #missingmymom #itsoktocry
Comments
Post a Comment