Change is good, right? I think it is...and that I am always open to making changes, sometimes too quickly maybe. I find myself not afraid to try new things or walking away when I don't think it is working. Today as I sat in the clubhouse waiting for Ashley (Thursday's is golf day) I had the time to look over the blog. Review tips and other blogs to get advice on how I could improve. As I looked over things I continued to get bothered by the name of my blog. For the past few day its been kind of bugging me. I have my Facebook page, and it is name Danielle Lynn. On my Facebook Danielle Lynn page I sell things I like, or projects that I create and make. I post links to affiliated sites, and the topics I have been posting to my personal page I really should have been posted here on my blog.
Now as I sit here and write this post talking about change, I can't help but reflect on the major changes that we have gone thru as a family in the past three years and how everyday it is still such an impact in my life. On April 14 2015 my mom died, I spoke with her hours the night before I got the call she had an overdose and everyday since then I feel like this:
I guess there are just times when you find quotes and images online that just say it better than you can. Growing up with my mom was not easy, she had mental illness and suffered from addiction. But she gave us (my younger brother and me) the best life she could and we have some amazing memories. She was fun, very loving, passionate, caring, loyal and beautiful person. It is crazy to me how much I miss her everyday. There were days when she was alive that I would wish I never saw her again, I went years without talking to her at a time right after I graduated high school and moved out of the house. But now, I would do anything to hear her voice, to see her and talk to her. Today while driving it hit me like a "ton of bricks" the tears just started rolling.
I can't explain why, and sometimes I find myself hiding the tears. Today I did, last thing I wanted was Ashley to see me crying. I just miss my mom, everything about her being around. My family now lives in Utah, and I wish she was meeting me at the Club while Ashley played golf. Joe has a big meeting tomorrow for work and he is doing so well, she would be so proud and I wish I had her to share that with. The list goes on and on. The reasons are all to selfish and all for me and in the end make me feel very lonely. Then I wonder why and when can this end.
It can not, this grief, this lonely feeling I have for my mother is just LOVE. Which then reminded me of this video of a poem I saw on Facebook the other day by Sabrina Banaim "I forgive myself even if I am the last person I want to forgive." She performs this poem, an expert from her book. And one of my favorite things she says is "I will let dance parties be the hospitals that heal me" Oh how true is that. From the time I was a kid I can remember my mom turning on her favorite song loud in the living room and we would just dance around, laughing and having fun. All worries, stress and fighting would somehow just be erased away and for that moment in time it was as if life was perfect, music has a way of touching your soul. Today having dance parties in the house and in the car with my kids is one of my favorite things to day. I will not hide my depression, anxiety, or insomnia. I will not hide from my fears and suffer, I will dance my way thru the moments.
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